Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
