I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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