So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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