do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
