After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
