I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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