one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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