We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
