the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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