After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
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Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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