You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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