chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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