If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
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She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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