I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
