I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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