I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
