if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
