K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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