When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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