There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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