she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
