True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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