and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
