Sorry, I don't speak sober.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize