I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
