I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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