and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
