remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
