The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
