my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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