Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
