This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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