Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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