Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
