paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
