Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize