I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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