Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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