My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
that is very illegal...i love you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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