yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm so fucking centered right now
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
