apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
