My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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