Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize