Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
