me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
