This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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