I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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