You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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