I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
