so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
