I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
