does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
how does that bad decision feel?
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