Yo dont text me then not text me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
