Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
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Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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