Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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