Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
