How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
